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. LAYOUT BY:dorkistic
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Tuesday, February 2, 2010 |
Review @ lonesomesprint.blogspot.com
Author: mbwzy
URL: www.winglin.net/fanfic/cou
Reviewer: DbSkHatter
Note: I will be fully honest and it may sound mean and overly crazy on some things, but i’m just saying my opinion and what you should fix...I’m not being mean in a bad way, it’s all good criticism.
Sorry if it’s late, holidays and other stuff came up Sorry!!Title: 5/5
It fulfils its purpose. It’s eye catching and it matches with your plot *cough*
It doesn’t mess up with the text and isn’t too distracting. It’s actually very pretty and advise you to use them for any upcoming fics to come, but variety does help too~~
You sure are lucky you’ve edited your forewords a bit cause to be truth full you’d get a 0. For the fact you said Hi and then explain it was what happened to you...in one sentence. So since you edited it...I’ll give some points. But it would of been nicer if the description for each character was more detailed. Like their age...and probably their relation towards certain characters.
You’re plot is really interesting but...sort of too cliché for me. But your humour is actually a plus to it, so I’m not going to be a total Meany.
Even if it’s cliché the whole plot to it and how she ends up being his servant is pretty LOL. And the face that one became her neighbour and one just lived right across her without knowing until she saw him outside, is pretty interesting. That was what got me haha~ and the moment where Xiu was actually seeking revenge, *gasp* such a big thing!
All I can say it was a bit too slow I actually ended up saying I’ll read it later. You dragged on about the trip on the way to Canada and how classes went and other things, it got pretty slow for me...and i suppose I had second thoughts about it? I read it if you’re wondering.
Half seeing as it did make sense BUT! There were a lot of spelling and grammar...I won’t go into the ones past Reviews have gone through so just the latest three....if you don’t mind. Just little snippets which caught my attention.
[Yours] I wonder where did he go?
[Should be] I wonder where he went? OR I wonder...where did he go? It’s either the whole sentence is a question fully or a portion is.
[Should be] “We’re doing great Cyndi, how have you been?” note the space after the comma and how the YOU’VE has become HAVE YOU. It makes more sense.
[Yours] The sit in front of me was empty.
[Should Be] The seat in front of me was empty. Make sure you state the object not what is done on it.
[Should Be]” Ten years ago, your parents had a small store, right?” comma’s again and your past tense. Since Xiu is talking about the past, you should use Past tense when he tells the story.
[Should Be] And so, as soon as I heard the news that my parents were dead, I looked at the information about the owners. Yeah, yours parents gave my relatives and I some money, but it wasn’t enough.
[Should Be] I don’t mind being hit at all, because as long as I sacrifice myself for the ones I love then I am willing to risk anything, even my life.
Liked them, and how you’ve made each character an individual. But I didn’t really know much. But your choice is still very good.
It’s well written, besides the mistakes here and there. It’s understandable and you can see who’s talking and who isn’t. So it’s pretty clear. It MAY seem to be short but if read on a mobile (which I do mostly) IT’s actually normal.
Besides the mistakes I did enjoy it, but with a few doubts here and there but over all I find it interesting~ The twists were good. I love the twist.
Requesting at Lonesome Sprint and being ever so patient!
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