Title: Crush On You
Author: mbwzy
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/cou
Reviewer: Midniite @ Adorable Love (http://adorable-luv.blogspot.com/)
Title: 4/5
I think it’s just me, but when I read the title, this song immediately popped into my head: Crush On You by Tata Young. The title gives off a cheerful, carefree vibe; it’s short and cute.
Forewords: 2/5
It’s really short; just a few sentences. You should introduce the characters and their roles in the story.
Poster/BG: 8/10
The poster is also cute. The pink background matches with both the poster and the text in your story. :]
Plot: 18/20
Very interesting plot; three guys: the artist, the jerk-y rich one, and the... uh... other one. xD
I didn’t expect Cyndi to be work as Jiro’s servant. I also liked the humor. SUMO WRESTLER ATTACK D:
Characterization: 13/15
You described the characters pretty well. I could tell how Xiu was a very mysterious person and how Cyndi had some trouble understanding his actions.
Creativity/Originality: 15/15
I have to give you full points for this one. I definitely have never read anything like this before. :D
It was very creative of you to write a story based on your own experiences with additional characters.
Spelling/Grammar: 7/10
Make sure that the verbs agree. Also, avoid run-ons. You could either place a semi-colon somewhere in the sentence or place a period and start a new sentence. When you’re talking about something belonging to more than one person, add the apostrophe after the s.
Ex: I tried to peek at the other's windows even though I'm far away from them and I could see the Philippine Islands they're all green.
It Should Be: I tried to peek at the others’ windows even though I was far away from them. I could see the Philippine Islands; they’re all green.
Ex: After awhile,all I could see are white clouds.
It Should Be: After a while, all I could see were white clouds.
Since you used “could”, you have to make sure the other verbs agree. In this case, “are” should be “were”. If you wanted to keep “are”, however, then you would have to change “could” to “can”. Same with the following:
Ex: I thought that it's snow.
It Should Be: I thought that it was snow.
OR
I think that it’s snow.
Flow: 4/5
The flow of the story is good; you got into all the details of your trip without rushing or taking too long.
Writing style: 7/10
In my opinion, it’s kind of hard to read because there aren’t spaces between commas and a word, or one sentence and the next.
Ex: Then,I looked at the stars,they were gleaming brightly.I smiled while crying quietly.
It Should Be: Then, I looked at the stars; they were gleaming brightly. I smiled while crying quietly.
(Note that I replaced a comma with a semi-colon.)
Also, skip lines every time someone new talks. That way, it won’t be so confusing and the reader can easily figure out who is talking.
Ex: I asked my mom and dad."Are we at the cemetery?"I was half-asleep so I don't know what I was saying.I'm still sleepy at that time."No it's not.That's just the lights below.The lights of the streets."my dad said."Oh I thought we're landing at a cemetery."I said.My mom giggled and couldn't stop laughing at me.I'm like c'mon,I was still sleepy so I forgot we we're at the airplane.
It Should Be: I asked my mom and dad. “Are we at the cemetery?” I was half-asleep so I didn’t know what I was saying. I was still sleepy at that time.
“No it’s not. That’s just the lights below. The lights of the streets,” my dad said.
“Oh I thought we were landing at a cemetery,” I said. My mom giggled and couldn’t stop laughing at me. I’m like c’mon; I was still sleepy so I forgot we were at the airplane.
Overall enjoyment: 3/5
Other than the errors found in this story, I enjoyed it. It was very unique. :] I’m sorry if I disappointed you with this score, but if you take my advice, along with the advice of others, I’m sure you can do it! Fighting~
Total: 81/100
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