Tuesday, February 2, 2010 | 4:10 PM |

Review @ artsyasiancrew.co.nr

Title: Crush On You
Author: mbwzy
Reviewer: morning_glory@artsyasiancrew.co.nr


Title 2/5 Your title gives away your story, what it’s all about. It’s not that unique, and it probably wouldn’t stand out to me in the Winglin story list. Also, as I read your story, it seems more like she has a crush on all 3 of them; also, she talks a lot about ‘changing’ them, and that causes me to think that this is the theme.

Forewords 1/10 Your forewords were WAY too short. There were no character descriptions, no short summary of the story, absolutely nothing. There was nothing about the story.

Plot 8/20 Your plot seemed to be scatterbrained, almost. You just inserted short stories in there. I think that it would have been better if you did these stories separately from the real story, so that you don’t confuse your readers. It was really bad organization. Your plot isn’t really that interesting; it’s more like normal school, friends, etc. Also, the story is all from Cyndi’s POV, which makes it seem like a diary. But then there’s dialogue, so it’s a bit strange.

Originality 2/5 It’s sort of original, and sort of not. When it started, the story seems almost like a diary. There are some original parts; such as how her parents and Jiro’s dad up and leave them alone together in an apartment.

Grammar/Spelling/Transitions 8/15 Your spelling is ok, your grammar could use some improvement. It would be better if you used a wider vocabulary in your story, that would add some interest and bring your story to life.

Flow (speed of the story) 6/10 Your story has an ok flow; but your transitions to the next event or meeting are a bit messy, which sometimes causes the readers to feel like it’s going too fast, or dragging. Try to add more transitional parts to your story, to clearly show each setting and each event that takes place.

Choice of words/Idiom/quotes 6/10 You could use more engaging vocabulary, descriptive. It would add more of a story feel instead of a diary feel if you add in really good descriptions of the places they go, the things that they see.

Details/Settings/Characterization 8/15 The characters are really great. Jiro, Xiu, and Danson are all different from each other, which makes it good to see how Cyndi changes these three very different characters. But I think that there should be more about Danson; Xiu is changing, but Jiro, it’s harder to see his character.

Enjoyable? 9/10 This was interesting to read, and review. Good luck!! Please don’t be discouraged by your grade! I wish you the best!

Over All Score 50/100*However, I would like to add that your font was really hard to read, as it blended with the background. If you would take my suggestion, either change the color of the font to a darker color, such as purple, green, or blue.

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