Chapter 8
Review @ impeccable melodies
Title: Married @ 15
Author: mbwzyTitle: 5/5 --- It definitely got my attention and fits the story but was a little cliché. I liked it though, so full points.
Poster/Background: 10/10 --- Woah, I love your poster…I think it’s the prettiest one I’ve ever seen. I love the colors and they’re faces on it, it all just comes together so perfectly. I ended up highlighting a lot of the text in the chapters but that didn’t have to do with the font color, more that your paragraphs were extremely messy.
Forewords: 3/5--- The foreword did a good job of giving a preview of what the story is all about except it wasn’t attention grabbing, but more of a plain summary. Try asking theoretical questions next time; it gets the readers interested. Also, sentence structure was not working out for you. Too many sentences in a paragraph will discourage readers to go on and miss your amazing story!
Plot: 15/15--- I really liked the plot, it was very interesting. I, for one, am a huge fan of Aaron Yan and Wang Zi (but Aaron more!) so I was happy to read a story about them. I liked how characterized their personalities and how Gui Gui is so down-to-earth and caring.
Flow: 10/10--- The transitions were very smooth and I never lost track of what was happening in the story so that made me happy. There were some points where sentencing was awkward and disrupted the flow, like the parts about the kids. Mostly, the flow was good.
Writing Style: 3/10 --- I like your way with words but the problem is your format. Half the time, I had to highlight and tell myself to focus because the paragraphs were so messy! There weren’t any spaces between the dialogues so I was confused at who was saying what. There’s no spacing at all in the paragraphs, which makes me wonder why…you have such good vocabulary, why aren’t there any spaces between periods and commas? It makes everything very disorganized. This was mainly the problem with this story. It was extremely hard to read and follow what was going on
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/10 --- Spelling was good, there were a couple spelling issues here and there but nothing major. Gramer was okay, there were some run-on sentences and awkward sentence structure and order as well as some issues with past and present tense. Ex:
“She has an older brother named Reymart who likes to gamble all the time and flirting with rich older ladies. They have siblings which aren’t their real siblings. They just adopted them.”
There are a couple things wrong with that such as the fact that there are run-on sentences, word choice, lack of commas, and past-present tense confusion.
The corrected version should be:
“She has an older brother named Reymart, who likes to gamble all the time and flirt with rich older ladies, and siblings who aren’t their real siblings; they just adopted them.”
I think you’ll find these errors throughout the story, which make the story hard to read.
Characterization: 8/10 --- The personalities of the characters were pretty clear but there was a big lack of detail. “Showing” instead of “Telling” works extremely well when describing characters. When Gui Gui is looking at Wang Zi’s handkerchief on the floor, “showing” could be used by saying:
“I was lying on the floor, looking longingly at the soft and beautifully crafted handkerchief that the stranger had given me earlier.”
Instead of just “I was lying on the floor looking at the handkerchief that the guy gave me earlier.”
Detail provides intrigue and gives the readers a mental image in their minds of what is happening in the story.
Originality: 7/10—Although I liked your take on the story, I have read tons of the typical “rich guy meets poor girl and marries her” storyline. It’s almost like an old fairytale and although those are classics, there’s a enormous lack surprise at all. I already know that Aaron is probably going to end up falling for Gui Gui in the end, fighting with Wang Zi over her, am I right?
Overall Enjoyment: 7/10 --- I loved the plot because it’s so cute, I can already tell that you’re a hopeless romantic like me :]. The characters are realistic, the situation is realistic and I enjoyed reading about their interactions. However, the evident lack of sentence/paragraph structure, commas, periods, and grammar took away a LOT from the story. I love your ideas and I think that you really can make something great out of them but working on all of the above are crucial to the success of your story.
Bonus: 3/5 --- I give bonus points mainly for replying to comments and including little messages in each of the chapters and there were a few comment replies and messages in some of the chapters. This is all mainly for the reader’s benefit; replying to comments and including messages makes the reader feel like they’re reading words from an author that is alive, not just on the page. It gives the author a personality and makes the readers feel like they’re appreciated for reading the story and can communicate with the author.
Total Score: 84/100
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