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SITE NAME:U-REQUEST
OPENED:08.02.2009
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Review @ adorable-luv

Title: Married at 15
Aurthor: mbwzy
URL: http://winglin.net/fanfic/married/
Reviewer: SaMaNtHa
Site: http://adorable-luv.blogspot.com/

Title: 4/5
Your title is common upon other story titles in Winglin and I didn't like how you didn't spell out 'at' but rather you put @. It makes your title look unprofessional, it also looks stupid, to me. But other than the things I said, it connected well with your story.

Foreword: 3/5
The foreword didn't contain all the information needed. It didn't include background information nor character information. I understand that not all author's like to include character information on their foreword but its very helpful to your readers, so they will know who your character's are and their importance in your story. The background information would also be nice to read in a foreword, it tells your readers what the rating is and the length and so forth. You added a prologue which was good and catchy but there were too many information. Adding a lot of information is boring and tends to make your readers get bored.

Poster/BG: 6/10
I loved your poster but didn't like you bg. Your poster was pretty but I thought it looked kind of messy and crowded. There was too many things on your poster like the big red {}? And the telephone poles? I thought that it was crowded and I don't know their purpose for being on the poster. The bg was too much. I think having your poster on your background looks weird. I just never liked the idea of having your poster on your background; it makes fonts hard to read, I had to highlight your sentences to be able to read them. So the total for this section is 6 out of 10. I love the poster but it's too messy for me, and the bg made your font hard to read.

Plot: 16/20
The plot was very interesting indeed but it wasn't organized. I thought it was messy how everything is happening so fast, and a lot of things happened at once. I loved how you put a lot of conflicts in your story, but like I said there was too much at once. I would like to relax one in a while without having everything happening at once. But all in all it was good but very unorganized. So I'll give you 16 out of 20.

Characterization: 10/15
I didn't really understand the characters. You need to add more information and details about your characters. I didn't get their personalities in your story. I only know the basics about them, I'd like to know them more. You need to do a better job at your characterization, if you put more depth and details in your characters it would be easier for your readers to connect with your characters.

Creativity/Originality: 9/15
I thought it was creative. I like a story that has a lot of conflicts because it keeps my attention, but like I stated above you put too much things at once, just let it flow. Your originality was okay, I don't see your plot on winglin but I do see them in dramas. They are very common, so think of a bigger and better storyline, think outside of the box.

Spelling/Grammar: 8/10
I only saw minor spelling mistakes here and there. Your grammar was okay. But you need to work on your punctuation, like spacing ect.

Flow: 4/5
The flow in the beginning was quiet fast. The first chapter had a lot of things going on, then the second chapter she was selling herself and third chapter she was going to get marries then from there it was pretty balanced. So just the beginning of your story was fast.

Writing style: 7/10
Your writing is not neat, everything was together there were no space for example,
"We should bring him to the hospital."Reymart said."But we don't have any money."I replied."If it's for money then I'll do anything.I'm going to that place to get some."he said as he put his tuxedo on."See ya!"Kaleb waved at Reymart."Have a safe trip!"Alan added.I carried Tom."Let's go to the hospital."I said."Okay."he replied."I'm coming too."Alan said."Me too!"Kaleb said.These children were brought by Reymart but we've become more and more like a family."I'm starving."Alan said.I can hear his stomach growling for food."Hang in there!"I said.We went out of the house and I saw Reymart,flirting with an old rich looking woman."Rey--"Alan said but I covered his mouth.He was about to call Reymart."Don't,our brother is working right now."I said.Reymart's job is to see rich older women.He always says that dating women you don't even love is a big problem but it always seems that he's not just playing around with them.What's more,he always throws all the money he earns by gambling.I just suddenly realized that Tom is having a hard time breathing."Sorry Tom!I'll bring you to the hospital right now."I said.I kept walking and walking in Taipei city.I went to Nazareth's Hospital.
It gets very hard to keep track with your sentence and who's talking because everything is together, you need to seperate them so we'll know what happening and who's talking.
So space it like this,
"We should bring him to the hospital." Reymart said.
"But we don't have any money." I replied.
"If it's for money then I'll do anything. I'm going to that place to get some." he said as he put his tuxedo on.
"See ya!" Kaleb waved at Reymart.
"Have a safe trip!" Alan added.
I carried Tom." Let's go to the hospital." I said.
"Okay." he replied.
"I'm coming too." Alan said.
"Me too!" Kaleb said. These children were brought by Reymart but we've become more and more like a family.
"I'm starving." Alan said. I can hear his stomach growling for food.
"Hang in there!" I said. We went out of the house and I saw Reymart, flirting with an old rich looking woman.
"Rey--" Alan said but I covered his mouth. He was about to call Reymart.
"Don't, our brother is working right now." I said. Reymart's job is to see rich older women. He always says that dating women you don't even love is a big problem but it always seems that he's not just playing around with them. What's more, he always throws all the money he earns by gambling. I just suddenly realized that Tom is having a hard time breathing. "Sorry Tom! I'll bring you to the hospital right now." I said. I kept walking and walking in Taipei city. I went to Nazareth's Hospital.
See spacing it on is much easier to follow. You need to double space after a period and you also need to space when you put commas. You also use 'said' a lot. There's much more ways to express when some one's talking.
You also added a lot of dialogue and not enough description, so work on that.

Overall enjoyment: 4/5
I enjoyed it, it was fun to read. But I didn't like how everything was together, I kept getting lost.

Total: 71/100