Monday, January 11, 2010 | 11:15 PM |

Review @ artsyasiancrew.co.nr

Title: Married @ 15
Author: mbwzy
Reviewer: morning_glory@artsyasiancrew.co.nr


Title 2/5 Your title already reveals the main point of your story. Also, as it is, the title isn’t intriguing enough to want to make me click on it.

Forewords 6/10 The forewords are really short. Your summary is good, but there are a couple grammar mistakes. Also, you might want to change the font color of your story, to maybe a darker blue if you want to keep it blue. It’s hard to read.

Plot 12/20 Your plot is okay, but everything seemed crowded, and there were different things happening everywhere. It would be better if you finish your thought all at once, and then move on to another conflict or obstacle.

Originality 3/5 This is pretty original. The fact that Gui Gui has adopted siblings, and cares for them is very creative. But it’s not that original because of the fact that they married for money, which has been used a lot already.

Grammar/Spelling/Transitions 8/15 You could add more adjectives (I know, it’s already been mentioned) to give your sentences more detail, and use a wider range of vocabulary to make your story more interesting; lastly, double-check your grammar. If you want, you can get a beta reader from season-of-mist.blogspot.com.

Flow (speed of the story) 5/10 Your story seemed fast the whole time, mainly because everything was happening all together, so it was really confusing.. If you put more space in between everything (basically what the previous reviewer said) then it wouldn’t look as busy, and it would flow better. But also, space out the conflicts! You don’t have to have a lot of things happen in one chapter. Slow down, and everything will even out.

Choice of words/Idiom/quotes 6/10 You could have chosen to use more adjectives, and basically use a wider range of vocabulary to express the feelings each of the characters have.

Details/Settings/Characterization 8/15 You did describe Gui Gui and Aaron, but I feel that Prince is just a figure that you put in. In the beginning, he told Aaron that he only gave her the handkerchief because she was in trouble. But then, all of a sudden, he started liking her?? Maybe if you made more scenes between them, and explained his thoughts, then the readers could make the transition better. Also, Aaron is cold and nice to Gui at the same time; it would be better if you could elaborate on his thoughts as well, because the way you wrote it, I don’t really understand, because all of a sudden he does something nice, for no reason. The characters are all over the place; also, you didn’t really describe each of the children. That would have added an element of realism into this story, and given them a personality.

Enjoyable? 8/10 This was a pretty good story to read. :)

Over All Score 58/100EXTRAS:
Praises: Your poster was really pretty. Also, if you just changed your background to the same color, but just a solid color, that would look much better.

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